Some of you will totally relate to this blog…..some of you won’t (yet)…..but I guarantee all of you would rather not hear the “dreaded word”. This word needs to be said fast…if you don’t cringe after I say it , you’re either weird, kinky, or heavily medicated. Maybe I will ease you into it. I certainly do not want to be the cause of anyone passing out! Especially if you’re secretly reading this at your desk. Your boss thinks you are working on the Friedman case or analyzing last month’s profit and loss report, I don’t want to blow your cover. It’s really cool that you are actually peeking into the life of a loony artist’s mind, you are weird.
Back to the dreaded word….okay, here’s a hint, it starts with a “C”. No…. it’s not me! It’s also not colic, cockroach, constipated, or carbohydrate. The word I am talking about is far worse, more dreadful, and totally freakish! When this word is heard it creates an audible groan from everyone in earshot, yep. When your diligent doc finally says the dreaded word, he too will utter it under his breath. He will also have the same odd sympathetic look that everyone else has when they find out you’re up to bat.
Okay get ready, I am now going to blurt out the “C” word……breathe, breathe, breathe…..it is……..colonoscopy! There I said it. I bet you cringed or groaned…or maybe both. If you didn’t, you probably have a co-worker waving smelling salts under your nose right now. Sorry, I tried to warn you. Truth be told, a combined pap, mammogram, and root canal sound better than a colonoscopy. Who came up with this procedure….Roto Rooter?
I went to the pharmacy this morning to pick up the powder for the pre-op cocktail. This is to be mixed with water and forced down the day before the procedure, and once again at 5:00 a.m. the following morning! This is like traveling to hell, and catching the same bus back the very next day! Isn’t that Freud’s definition of insanity? Even the pharmacist let out a sigh and wished me luck as he handed me the liquid hell. He gently sighed when remembering his own colonoscopy, and gave me the respect you would give a soldier headed to the front line. Huh? Am I headed to the front line? I stood there pondering, as he respectfully placed my family size bottle of apple juice, three packs of green Jello, and the pre-op prep solution in a bag. Yes, I did type “green” Jello…. otherwise known as the “yucky” flavor. As far as I see it, the only place a lime should be seen, is floating in a cold Corona or on the salty rim of a blended Margarita. I was told red Jello is off-limits, and orange seems like a close relative. Bottom line is, I’m not taking any chances. The thought of having to reschedule, catch the bus back to hell, simply because I ate a few bites of orange jello….way too risky…..no way. Anyhow, as the pharmacist handed me my camouflage duffle……I mean plastic bag, he proudly smiled and wished me Good Luck! Huh? Do I need it? Before I walked away, I suddenly had the urge to salute him…..no worries gang, I refrained! There must be a word for this type of bonding, maybe Colonoscopy Connection, similar to Kermit’s inspiring and timeless song…. “Rainbow Connection”! After he recorded that, he soared to stardom….. just like the Beatles on Sullivan’s show. No surprises here, they both have that X factor….pure talent.
Check out the version below…very cool, one of my faves. This will give you a small break from the “C” word. ; )
Great song! I love Jason……one of the best voices out there! Okay now that I have you all rainbowy and relaxed, back to the dreaded word. Here goes….breathe…..breathe….breath…and,
The prep powder is called Moviprep. I get what it means, but what if someone who’s not the sharpest tool in the shed gets confused. They might think it’s a tasty libation intended for use before heading off to the opening night of the newest flick. That could be the makings of a date you’d never forget. One thing’s for sure, you’re guaranteed a speeding ticket on your way home. It’s recommended that you take Moviprep while alone. The drug insert warning list should include: “Effects from this medicine may scare off potential partners. Please use with caution when others are at home. Humiliation and vulnerability may occur. Second lavatory is recommended if sharing the same dwelling with others.”
Actually, the hell liquid drug insert has me somewhat concerned. Under possible side effects it lists: bloating, dizziness, cramps, and fatigue. I’m convinced a man who wrote this. A woman would have written: Possible side effects may include PMS or Menopausal symptoms. Same thing, less words. We don’t need the hell liquid to achieve this, we have been feeling these side effects for half of our lives!
Also, in the insert under additional information, it reads (large caps): DO NOT SHARE WITH OTHERS. You’ve got to be kidding me! I don’t think the family is going to be begging for a sip. No worries about saving some for company. Then it reads “Only have clear liquids at your “Last Meal” before starting this medication. Huh? “Last Meal”? Meal and Supper…same thing…right? Do they know something that I don’t? Long tubes are meant for siphoning gas, filling cream puffs, and sucking up dirt on your carpet. Somehow the human body and the word tubes don’t click. Sort of like the words chicken pox and dinner party, cheap and gasoline, or cheesecake and thong. The drug insert is not reassuring to say the least!
The last paragraph reads “Do not flush unused medications in toilet or pour down a sink or drain.” Finally someone who knew what they were talking about! My question is this: Did they mean “DRINK IT ALL YOU WIMP OR THE PROCEDURE WILL BE A NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!” or “Handle this medication the same way you would battery fluid because this crap is caustic!”
The drug insert’s final sentence reads (in caps) “GOOD LUCK!”
No….not really, I just made that part up. Although, you are more than welcome to wish me Good Luck! Think of me on Monday morning with kind thoughts. : )